The Gift of Self-Compassion
When you are the one who decides to be nice to yourself
In this world of increased efficiency and productivity, of passions and successes, we seem to be on a constant pursuit of something greater, something more.
We always feel like we could do more, that we can do better.
That we are, somehow, not good enough, smart enough, brave enough, or even worthy enough.
But out of all these “not enough-s”, I only think there is one that is genuinely true:
You are not kind enough, to yourself.
It is easy to give sympathy to someone in need, or a person who is, in some ways, worse off than us. But as we look at the overwhelming successes of other individuals, we beat ourselves up when we compare ourselves to others, and we beat ourselves down when we fail at something.
We blame ourselves for not being other people.
See, when put it in this way, we can see how ridiculous it really sounds.
Outwardly, as a society, we celebrate successes and achievements because they are worth celebrating — they are the products of perseverance and overcomings of shortfalls and failures. But exactly because we celebrate successes, we sweep all the failed attempts and the blood, sweat and tears that were shed beneath the carpet.
We end up highlighting the successes of other people, and magnify the flaws within ourselves — solely because we are the only ones who see our own shortcomings in crystal clarity.
However, I think it is exactly because we are the only ones to see our own flaws this up close, we are, by definition, the only ones who can truly see pass these flaws as well.
We are always with ourselves
We are born into this world alone, and we will leave the world the same way. We are the only ones who see the world through our own eyes, who feel all the emotions that come up within us, who experienced everything that happened to us from the day we were born to the moment you are reading this.
A huge chunk of our lifetime is spent with ourselves, so the least we could do is to make that time empowering, positive, and fun. And it is through giving yourself the gift of kindness and compassion that these moments with yourself can be pleasant moments of tenderness and self-love.
Because when we dwell in darkness, it is all we will ever see.
However, if we allow ourselves to be illuminated by the gift of self-compassion, we can free ourselves from the shackles of inadequacy and self-blame, negativity and self-shame.
To illustrate this, if a friend, or even a stranger, is in front of you and you were asked to shout these words at them:
“Why can’t you be like ____?”
“You’re rubbish.”
“Why can’t you even do a simple task?”
Chances are, you won’t. These words are knives — sharp and destructive. How could we so willingly hurt strangers, and much less our friends, with such unfiltered and crude cuts?
If that’s the case, then why do we so ironically hurt ourselves with these same words so willingly?
If you can be kind to other people, why can’t you be kind to yourself?
It might seem weird at first to make friends with yourself. Ever since we were born, we were only taught to be nice and kind to other people, how to treat other people with respect, but never to ourselves.
You’ve got to be the person that has your own back, in the face of whatever setbacks or challenges you encounter, you’ve got to create a nest where you can come home to yourself and hold yourself in love and forgiveness.
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.
— Christopher K. Germer
Self-compassion is by no means an easy task, I know that, because there will always be a gap between where you are now and where you want to be — it is the natural law of progress. Self-compassion is about not being too harsh on yourself, but also not to the point of being so comfortable you don’t seek out improvements in your life.
It is about how you meet yourself with kindness in the presence of this gap, the attitude to becoming better without the feeling of inadequacy, and at the same time be proud and contented about how far you’ve come.
To summarize everything with a quote:
The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.
— Diane Von Fürstenberg
Have you smiled in the mirror today?
Thank you for reading! This post is inspired by the Self-Compassion workshop by Care Corner Family Centre, Toa Payoh, Singapore. They help bring mental wellness and counselling services to everyone in Singapore, please support them in their great work!