How time relates to courage
It’s only been two days of grad school and I’m already so burnt out and tired. I think I’m running on overdrive because I can’t wait to get out of my ruts.
What I’m starting to learn is about structure and struggle. I think I’m a lazy person — if left to my own devices I wouldn’t get much things done because there is no pressure from the outside. With no obligations by things outside myself, I can get too caught up with my own excuses for not getting my shit together and leave my proverbial shit lying all around.
Basically, I have no self-discipline.
But when comes to times of structure and struggle, I think more about how I spend my time. When I get busy, I tend to get busier because perhaps busyness is a momentum to be rode upon. Both laziness and busyness are self-reinforcing loops.
I feel like during down times of non-work, I tend to indulge more, bathe in the hedonistic nature of humankind like watching tv series, snacking, and generally just being an unproductive member of society — whatever that means. I recognise that rest is important and maybe our society don’t put enough focus on that, but me not doing things that can move myself forward in life is also equally detrimental.
On the other hand, during periods of deep work and busyness, I feel like I’m more sensitive on how I spend my time. Time becomes something more precious and not something to be spent too lavishly. Every moment becomes more tender and holds more weight. It shows how structure and struggle help us see what is important again.
I don’t feel creatively empowered when I’m enjoying myself. I feel like I want to squander it away (which is probably something I really need to work on). But when I’m busy, and there is a break from my work, it makes me really hone in on what’s important in my life that I want to produce and take more courageous steps in doing them.
It’s almost as if the scarcity of time brings out the courage in us. When time itself being limited turns it into the gold we see it to be, and finally spend them wisely.