I Have Died Many Times
And so have you.
Of course, I don’t mean we are dead dead. I mean you have died many times to become who you are as a person now. And many people don’t get that.
Quite often, in family gatherings, your mom will tell the cousins what embarrassing things you did when you were young; Or flipping through the yearbook, you reminisce about the stupid things you did in high school. But then you squint at the picture and think,
Who the hell is that?
And you’re right, who the hell is that? That’s not you. Well, not the current you. He was you, but he’s not now. He was a mere shadow that shaped you as a person you currently are.
That boy who scrapes the garlic of his plate now adds a little too much of it when making his aglio olio. That boy who was so smitten over that girl and talks about marrying her now thinks of her as nothing more than a friend. That boy who hates writing so much is now writing articles on Medium.
That boy is dead.
You made certain choices, chose to do certain things instead of other things, met some people instead of some other people, then BAM! Here you are, as the person you are right now, reading this.
The thing about regret.
There are many choices that guy in the photo made, and among some were not very good ones. You could’ve fucked up somewhere and there goes your dream to be a doctor, or something. There are a lot of things you wished you haven’t done, and many more that you wish you had.
Yes, mourn it, lament on how foolish you were, then celebrate.
Who knows, you could be thankful for who you became after all.
Everyone has a box, inside are your opinions and perspectives. When you meet new people, or read, or watch, or think, you would swap out your opinions for newer, perhaps better ones, and congratulations, you’ve killed yourself. Gradually and unknowingly, you died, piece by piece.
The 10 year-old you definitely thinks differently from you do now, that’s because you had been through so much within that time. Maybe you’re glad that you’ve became a more mature and understanding individual, or maybe you’re sad that you are no longer that carefree kid who didn’t give a shit. But it doesn’t matter now because he’s gone, ashes blown away by the winds of time.
Still, taking that knife of change and plunging it into the old you is hard, and scary. You fear what you will become, you fear you will not be you anymore.
But that’s the point. Just because you used to love cherries, hating them now shouldn’t make you any less “you”. Your past shouldn’t define who you are now, there is no point clinging to previous perspectives just because of the fear of not being “you” anymore. Instead,
You are giving up the chance to be the “you” in the future.
Deep in the choices that you make, the people that you meet, is the “you” you were meant to become. Keep learning and exploring, never think the current you is enough and all there is to be.
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” — George Bernard Shaw
So in the meantime, happy killing!
This article was originally posted on Medium, 6 July 2015
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